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I may be made of dreams, I don't shape them.

team, lovers, united

We just left London to fly to Berlin, and I’m sitting in diagonal from RJ and JJ.  I’m watching a scene from a movie where two lovers hold hands as their plan takes off.  For a moment, I’m speechless.  Stunned, and quietly introspective.

Being surrounded by that kind of love makes me feel grateful for the moments they share with me.  I’ve tried many times to string the words together to express how they’ve changed me.  I want them to remember and make them feel how thankful I am for the chance to be part of this and for letting me join this life of theirs. I’ve tried and tried…

But I don’t think there will ever be words, or any kind of gifts, worthy of expressing the thanks they deserve for their commitment to making me what I am. All I have achieved and the recognition I have and everything I’ve been able to achieve is because of their hard work.

And truthfully, I’m surprised I’m still part of this world because, they watched me grow into everything anyone would dread having to deal with, and then slowly, painstakingly into becoming the man I want to be. (I’m not there yet but it’s coming)

I made them go through hell and back for so many reasons. 

They never gave up. 

Even when I did, they never have. 

And I believe that’s what sets them apart from anyone else. 

It took almost three years to realize what kind of opportunities they have given me, and everything I have at my fingertips

or at most n arms length away. 

I always had this thing, compulsion, to push away people around me, 

Setting myself up for failure, so I wouldn’t have people let me down.

Sounds too fucking terrible, but childhood scars after leave nasty habits like such. 

At 21 years old, my mind started playing games with me. 

I started seeing thing that weren’t there, assuming people had bad intentions instead of seeing the good things they do for me.  My twisted perceptions became reality.

I let myself get greedy.  It was easy, you know, when expose to the kind of attention I was receiving.  It got to me and it got to me hard … So badly, I Almost…Almost lost it all. 

This new family. 

These friends. 

The very few people I could still rely on. 

Do you know how hard it is to trust someone who genuinely only wants what’s best and good for you? In life it’s hard enough but in this industry…it’s almost unheard of.

Well, JJ did.  He was there, offering up support and guidance even when I threw it all back in his face.  He was patient.  Past the point of what I deserved.  JJ taught me to deal with my brutal insecurities.  He made me realize I am my own worst enemy, and that nothing will ever happen if I just sit and wait around for things to fall into my lap.

I’m not gonna lie, I relied on my schemes, my looks, and my insane capability to manipulate any and everyone I wanted something out of. 

I then realized how and why … I was so mischievous and paranoiac. 

I had played so many people in my life that there was no way I’d ever feel safe again, in any aspect of my life. 

That’s when I knew I had to let go. 

Hustling my way through life isn’t a way to go, and quite frankly not very sane way to go through it.

I can’t even come close to thinking of everything they have done for me in the past three years I’ve been part of their lives.  It was their 15th anniversary this weekend.  I’ve known very few people who still have it in them after 20 years.

As I said, we just left London to fly to Berlin, and I’m sitting in diagonal from RJ and JJ.  It’s gonna sound maybe dumb to all of you, or most of you, but I believe there isn’t much time when they aren’t seated together on a flight.  As the flight finally gets going, I look over to see Jake reach out for RJ’s hand just as the plane takes off.  I was trapped in their moment.

I hadn’t been witness to something so real in a long time and I’ve never felt something like that in my own life.  I took my ear bud off and Jake tells me, “Every take off, we hold hands.”  If only you could stare, or be starred at by Jake, as he tell me this, his eyes as blue as ice,

I saw right through them, into a real and honest love that we only get to see in bullshit movies.  It’s the little things that make love worth the fight, worth the wait, worth living.

Jake and RJ moved me, motivated me to go for my dreams, whatever they were, and to work for them.  They taught me work ethic; they thought me about respect, and acceptance. 

Jake turned 43, since 1971 has touched people’s lives and hearts, and will keep on making a difference for those who are fortunate enough to have him care.  Even for just a few moments.  Just like he’s done with mine.

I wish that one day I could feel a quarter of the love RJ and JJ have for one another.  If I get that chance, I’ll be complete.  Sated.

While Jake is at the center of my thoughts right now make no mistake that my feelings encompass the entire family, Jake, RJ, and of course Benny. They have been through probably everything with one another and continue to remain steadfast in their commitment. They never give up. It’s what makes them strong, makes them a team. They are lovers and they are united as one.

Thank you for everything, everything past, present, and what is coming in a close and far away future. 

Happy Anniversary JJ, RJ, much love to Benjamin.